Being bi (or pan, whatever label feels less wrong that day) is… complicated. Not in the “who do I like?” way, because I know who I like. I love my boyfriend, and I don’t want anyone else. That part’s simple. The complicated part is how my body reacts to literally everything, even when my mind and heart are completely set.
Like—I’ll be loyal, happy, completely secure, not thinking about anyone but him. And then someone says or does something small and suddenly I’m flustered for no reason. It’s not a crush, it’s not feelings, it’s just this dumb reaction I can’t control.
Here’s the thing: I made a new friend recently. She’s dating one of my old friends (both of them are awesome). We’ve only hung out maybe three times and texted less than twenty messages. Brand new friendship. Then one day, she ends a reply with “love you.” Just casual, not romantic, just how some people talk. And I blushed. My face was hot, I was stuttering, and in my head I’m like—why am I like this?? I don’t like her like that, I don’t want her, but my body still acted like it was caught off guard.
And this kind of thing happens a lot. A certain song plays around me, someone stares too long, someone brushes my arm, or says something kind, and it hits me. My chest does this little jump, my stomach flips. I don’t catch feelings. I don’t develop crushes. But still—it happens.
It’s frustrating because it feels like it makes no sense. Like my brain and my body are on two completely different channels. My brain: “I’m in love, I’m loyal, I’m good.” My body: “haha blush machine go brrrr.”
And then there’s labels. If I say I’m bi, people think I want everyone. If I say I’m pan, people still assume the same thing. If I say “I only want my boyfriend,” people are quick to slap “straight” on me. But none of those fit. I do find women attractive. I do feel that pull toward people sometimes. But when it comes down to it, I don’t want anyone but him. Period.
So I guess that’s where I’m at. Blushes don’t mean crushes. They don’t mean attraction, they don’t mean anything’s missing in my relationship. They’re just these random, dumb sparks that don’t match what’s really going on inside me.
At the end of the day, I only want him. Everything else is just noise my body hasn’t learned to ignore yet.
